CRAWLING THROUGH MY MIND IS LIKE TRYING TO FIND YOUR WAY THROUGH A MAZE WITH NO EYES. THE DARKNESS AND FEAR. THE SCREAMING QUIET OF IT ALL, YET THE DEAFENING NOISE OF KNOWLEDGE AND AGE GAINED ONLY BY NEGATIVITY ENVELOPES YOU. I AM NOT NECESSARILY SAD, NOT EVEN DISTRAUGHT. I AM JUST DRIFTING THROUGH THIS UNCERTAINTY. CAUSING MY OWN ISSUES AND PUSHING THEM ASIDE. MAKING SELF DESTRUCTION THE MORAL OF MY STORY AND NOT THE METHOD.

I REACH FOR THE STARS CONSTANTLY, BUT EACH TWINKLING FUTURE IS SLOWLY BURNING OUT. A FUTURE THAT WAS NEVER ALIVE TO BEGIN WITH. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND I USED TO SIT UP AND STARE AT THE STARS, THAT WAS WHEN I STILL BELIEVED IN GOD AND PEOPLE. THEN I WAS TOLD THAT HALF THE STARS DON’T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE. ITS TAKEN SO MANY YEARS FOR THE LIGHT TO REACH US…NOW I THINK THAT WAS A HALF TRUTH. BUT AT THE TIME IT REALLY SHOCKED ME, THREW ME FROM NAIVETY AND INTO THE COLD HARD ADULT WORLD. I WAS NEVER THAT MOLDABLE, I WORKED OUT FATHER CHRISTMAS AND MAGIC SPOKE ABOUT IN LORE ARE FARCE AT A YOUNG AGE.

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A WISH FOR ME TO SLIP INTO THE PAGES OF SOME NOVEL AND LIKE FOREVER IN A DREAM WORLD. I TALK TO MYSELF. I WILL ACT OUT SCENES FROM THE PAST AND CHANGE THEM TO ME SAYING WHAT I WANT. I PLAY OUT WALKING INTO A ROOM, FULL OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE REJECTED ME, LIED AND GENERALLY BEEN VINDICTIVE TO ME.

I SEE THE SCENE IN MY MIND AND THEN SPEAK TO THESE PEOPLE AS IF IT WAS REAL. I EVEN SOMETIMES THINK PEOPLE CAN SEE ME, SOMEWHAT LIKE BB OR THE TRUMAN SHOW. YET MORE MATRIX. I AM PARANOID. I DON’T LIKE CHANGE IN MY ROOM, I NEVER HAVE UNLESS I’M UNDER THE COVERS.

I NEVER INTENDED TO BE LIKE THIS. BUT THEN WHO WOULD DEEM THEMSELVES WITH A HALF LIFE? SYLVIA PLATH INDEED WOULD NOT HAVE ENVISIONED HER END. NOR COBAIN, RIVER OR HENDRIX. THE SUBJECT OF OUR OWN DEMISE IS ALWAYS AN INTERESTING TALE. THE TATTERED THREADS OF LIFES LIVED THROUGH TAINTED LENSES. OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE.

THE MIRROR USED TO BE MANAGEABLE. BUT IN THE PAST 2 YEARS IT HAS BECOME INCREASINGLY HARD TO LOOK UPON MY OWN IMAGE. TO BEHOLD THE TRUTH OF MYSELF. I WINCE AS IF I HAVE BEEN STRUCK. SHOP WINDOWS, CAR WINDOWS, CAR MIRRORS, SILVER METAL, POOLS OF WATER, GLASSES, ITS ALL A WORLD OF REFLECTION. MOCKING ME AND TEARING ME TO SHREDS WITH THE HARSH REALITY OF MY SITUATION. AND I AM MY BEST ENEMY BUT MY WORST COMPANION.